my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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