everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
