why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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