My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
