Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Did you just see the Batmobile???
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
