I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
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He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
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Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i think my cat just said my name.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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