i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you win again, gameday.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Randomize
