I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
