I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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