I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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