Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
40s are totally the cure
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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