it's too hot outside to masturbate.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
