I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
