i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
