I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
