I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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