Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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