Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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