and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Holy sore nipples Batman
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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