don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
