Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
