Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
