Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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