i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
