Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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