i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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