i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
