There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
