looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
