you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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