Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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