I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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