I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
tell me about the eggs
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
