I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
