piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
