sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
