Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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