dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
