i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
