Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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