i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
