some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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