Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
