even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
