i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
