he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize