I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
