so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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