my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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