Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
