i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
