Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
