i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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