There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
