she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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