Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
