Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
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I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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