dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
