Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize