omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Are my feet made of real feet?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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