Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
