So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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